On a Continental
Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant staff, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and I'll be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants."
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"Thank you
for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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After a particularly
rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest
Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to: YYY. To operate
your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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"The weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat
cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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And from the pilot
during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
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On Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what ya'll
are thinking. You're thinking that I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it
was the asphalt!"
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Another flight
attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks
for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher
of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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A plane was taking
off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach was heard to reply, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"